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Mikrobiologie

Posledním předmětem třeťáku, o kterém jsem se ještě nezmínil, je mikrobiologie. Kdysi už jsem o něm sice něco málo sepsal – že jsou ve skříňkách pro nás připravené pláště, že kvasinky voní a že jsem dal jedné doktorce omylem pěstí (postupem času jsem nabyl dojmu, že to byla MUDr. Chrenková, tak se jí za to tímto ještě jednou omlouvám) – každopádně: moje nové a důležité poznání je, že mikračka nikoho nebaví. Před dvěma týdny nám to prozradil nejmenovaný pracovník Ústavu.

Aby to ale nebylo tak jednoduché, musím i tohle tvrzení malinko rozebrat: ano, mikračka je jenom telefonní seznam. A největší nevýhoda telefonního seznamu není v tom, že jsou to jenom náhodně seřazené číslice. Ani v tom, že jich je hodně. Ale v tom, že zatímco telefon na pana Laštovičku je 737 852 914, je telefon na paní Mrázkovou 732 255 416. Vidíte ten rozdíl? Ano, vidíte. Ale dokázali byste si ho zapamatovat? (pozn.: tahle čísla jsou naprosto náhodná a s největší pravděpodobností nepatří ani panu Laštovičkovi, ani paní Mrázkové. Prosím, nevolejte na ně)

Nicméně: mikračka umí být i krásná! Sám bych tomu ještě nedávno nevěřil, ale od té doby, co jsem začal sledovat Dr. House, se na to dívám jinak. Jsou to totiž epizody právě o infekcích a parazitech, které chápu. A nakonec nemusím chodit až do Ameriky: vždyť už i já sám jsem z ničeho nic schopný diagnostikovat svým známým některé nemoci. Neříkám, že správně. Každý můj závěr bude ještě chvíli končit nejistým: „…radši s tim jdi k doktorovi.“ Ale stejně je to prostě hustý!

Ale zpátky ke studiu: jednou jsme si dělali na praktikách výtěry z nosu. Moc mi nebylo jasné, proč se tolik lidí tak nadšeně hlásilo jako dobrovolníci, ale asi nedávali pozor, jak se takový výtěr dělá, protože když to pak cvičící zopakoval, začali se zase odhlašovat. Pacient zakloní hlavu a vyšetřující mu do nosu – do hloubky zhruba 2 cm – zaboří výtěrový tampón. Pak mu ho vyndá a tím stejným tampónem provede výtěr i druhé nosní dírky. Dobrovolníci se cukali, to se ví, v jednom případě se ale cukal i vyšetřující; to když z nosu svého nebohého kolegy vytáhl holuba. Jestli mu ho pak v rámci splnění výtěrového protokolu vrátil do té druhé dírky, to netuším. Ale asi by to tak bylo správné.

Dobře víme, že na medicíně je obzvlášť potřeba propojovat poznatky z různých předmětů, že si ale dokážu propojit poznatky (ehm, ehm) z ošetřovatelství a z mikračky, to mě upřímně zaskočilo. V ošetřovatelství je jedna otázka věnována odběru stolice a v ní se mimo jiné dovídáme, že na bakteriální vyšetření stačí stolice o velikosti zhruba lískového ořechu, na parazitární vyšetření je potřeba velikost ořechu vlašského. To je samo o sobě nechutné ažaž, MUDr. Matějková má ale s těmito odběry zkušenosti ještě nechutnější:

pacienti mají asi problémy odhadnout danou velikost, a tak jeden „vzorek“ stolice měl velikost zavařovací sklenice (plné), druhý měl naopak rozměry více než dokonalé: dorazil na pracoviště ve skořápce vlašského ořechu. U obou případů je záhodno se ptát: jak byl takový preparát zhotovován?

Ale dost už nechutností, na závěr jedna mnemotechnická pomůcka: kdyby snad někdo měl problém zapamatovat si pojem „kropidlák“ (což upřímně nevím, proč by dělal, protože na zkoušce nejsou české termíny povinné a u kropidláka rozhodně postačí zvučný latinský „aspergillus“), uvědomili jsme si s Adamem Lázničkou, že etymologicky se musí jednat o stvoření, které se při každém úplňku mění v konev. Proč ho někdo proklel takovou strašlivou kletbou, netušíme. Ani v jakých lidových bajkách se nachází. Každopádně z něj máme strach: až se jednoho rána probudíte úplně pokropení, víte, kdo vás té noci navštívil.

 

Pavel Tatíček

1
Průměr: 1 (1 vote)

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